Before We Come Undone
by Taylor210
Summary: What if Emily can't forgive me?". "I would have done anything in the world for you". "Its all pretend, its all gone". "There's nothing left" Naomi&Emily Fic,Please review
1. The Struggle Continues

It's been two weeks. Two weeks since my mistake had torn our life's apart and made everyone miserable. Everyone that is Emily, I had hurt the one person that actually meant something to me, that I loved. I hated people to be honest, all they ever seemed to do was shit on you, that's why I hated having friends and being dependant. Naomi no mates, I hated the old me, I was a total loser with no life. Emily changed that, I realised I did need somebody, that somebody else could make me happy. I couldn't hold on to that though could I? No. I had to fuck it up and hurt her, make her cry, make her angry with me. Things had changed so quickly I barely had time to process it.

We had a great summer together, it was blissful waking up to her face every morning. I could never get sick of Emily, she was clever and challenging and so brave. Much stronger and braver then I could ever be. Most of the summer we spent just being together, admittedly my bed was occupied a lot of the time, I loved holding her in my arms knowing that she loved me. Being loved by someone other then your mum is comforting, knowing that another human being wants to be with you, cares about you.

It was never going to last though because I fucked it up. I cant even blame anybody else, well I could blame kieran for encouraging me to attend the stupid open day but it wouldn't get me anywhere. Emily seemed so set on travelling the world and seeing everything, how could I say no when she smiled so sweetly at me? I wanted to be with her, but I couldn't help but think I was being a push over. Agreeing with whatever she said just so I didn't loose her, to make her happy. If I was with Emily then I could be anywhere, fuck it, I would even live in a cardboard box if it meant we were together.

The last few weeks of our perfect summer were starting to get on my tits. Emily had done nothing wrong, but I couldn't help but feel trapped into a corner. Talking about our future and making plans for years to come made me feel uncomfortable. Shouldn't you focus on right now instead of trying to plan ahead? Emily didn't think like that, god I think she even had names for our cats picked out. There was no way of escape, I was trapped in this world of love, I was suffocating in it.

Sophia. Her eyes looked so dead inside, she reminded me of how I used to be. Before Emily, before my life turned around and got better. The open day was not suppose to lead to a one night stand, I had no intention of ever cheating on Emily, not ever. Just talking to somebody that hardly knew you was nice, that didn't judge you of your past. Sophia was a good listener, she seemed to care about how I felt. I didn't love her, harsh as it sounds I cant even say I cared about her. I never got that rush of lust and love ripple through my body when I looked at her, I only ever got that with Emily. They say strangers make the best company, all I wanted was a way out.

My way out cost me everything. The girl I loved no longer looked at me the same as before, she didn't look at me at all any more. Instead of suffocating in love I'm now alone with my guilty conscience. We no longer share my bed, we no longer talk into the early hours of the morning, we no longer kiss or cuddle. Nothing. Emily's eyes are constantly red and puffy, she always cries at night thinking im asleep. Hearing her gut wrenching sobs make me want to die, how could I have done this?

* * * * *

Saturday. I rub my eyes and stare at some twat on the shopping channel trying to convince me that buying a pressure cooker will change my life. Yeah right. The couch had become quite comfortable, plus it was close to the kitchen which meant I could grab a drink without having to walk very far. This was what my life had become. Sleeping on the couch downstairs whilst my girlfriend slept upstairs, all I wanted to do was slip in beside her and hold her, try and ease some of the pain away. I deserved to sleep on the couch alone, I deserved to feel the draft from the window taking away all the warmth.

To my surprise Emily still wanted to live at my house, she didn't want to let her family know they had won, they had been right about me all along. Going back would only be embarrassing she said. I was embarrassed, I had cheated and lied, there was no way I wanted Jenna or Katie to gloat about what a fuck up I am. Our lives had become a little odd, we hardly spoke and we seemed to scuttle round each other. Misery followed me wherever I went, nothing would make the sun shine again like it did before. Emily was never going to forgive me for this, fuck it I could never forgive her if she had done it. Maybe that's what I deserve, for Emily to go out and fuck some random girl. Just the thought of that makes my blood boil with jealousy, I don't think I could handle her being with anybody else but me.

Throwing the blankets off me I strolled into the kitchen knowing Emily wont be awake at this time. Emily hates mornings and could quite happily lay in bed until the afternoon. I glanced at the clock on the wall, the ticking of the hands instantly pisses me off, I hate hearing the seconds of my life being wasted. I grab the kettle and fill it with fresh water, a strong cup of coffee is exactly what I need to wake myself up. I take a cup from the draining board and roll my eyes as I hear footsteps on the stairs. I know its not Emily because she doesn't stomp, its mum and she has a hangover. At 3 this morning mum and Keiran decided to stroll in from a dinner party, some fucking dinner party, they were both wasted.

"Naomi love, what are you doing up its early?" Mum asks trying to flatten down her bed hair, or sex hair maybe, ugh!

I grab another cup and spoon in some coffee and sugar, I shudder as she opens the kitchen blinds and the sunlight pours through. "Couldn't sleep" I answer bluntly leaning against the worktops. I had to tell my mum what happened between me and Emily, it was way too hard to hide it, especially when me and Emily were hardly speaking to each other. To be honest she was quite understanding when I explained, it was nice she wasn't taking sides although I could see the disappointment in her eyes.

"Why don't you take one up to Emily?" Mum suggests pulling out a chair and sitting herself down. I know she means well but does she really think a cup of tea is going to make things better? Parents have no fucking idea really, they think they're wise and full of life experience but really they know fuck all about anything.

I lift the kettle from its stand and pour in the boiling water. "She's still asleep, she wont be awake, like you said its early" I turn flashing a sarcastic smile and head over to the fridge for the milk.

Mum nods, I can feel her watching me as I move back over to the mugs, I'd hate to know what she really makes of the whole Sophia situation. Mum and Emily get on really well, too well If you ask me, Mum thinks Emily is the best thing that ever happened to me. Atleast we agree on something. "Good dinner party was it? Sure looked like fun, I don't think the word wasted could cover the state of you last night" I place the cups on the table and sat down opposite her.

Gina smiles and wraps her hand around the mug for warmth, "It was good, you know what a lightweight I am" she laughs tucking her hair behind her ear. "What did you and Emily do? Did you talk?" she asks carefully taking a sip of tea.

"We watched tele, made some food and then she went to bed" I answered staring into my cup. That's what its been like for the past two weeks, it was now routine and it was driving me mental. I wanted to talk and explain and beg for forgiveness, but every time I opened my mouth to speak Emily walked away not wanting to talk to me. I haven't felt this shitty since I can remember.

Gina nods, she reaches out and places her hand over mine. My eyes begin to water, feeling alone was something that was long gone, but fucking things up have seemed to welcome loneliness with open arms. "Its gonna get better, I promise you it will. Emily loves you, if she didn't she wouldn't be here" she smiles ducking her head for eye contact. "Give her time, time heals wounds" she explains softly. I know she is trying to comfort me, im grateful that she wants to be there for me and for Emily. I don't deserve it though, I don't deserve for somebody to tell me its all going to be alright.

"What if she doesn't? What if she cant forgive me? I cant loose her mum, I cant" I feel my lip tremble as the tears roll down my face. I've tried my hardest to be strong, I have to be the strong one because Emily is falling apart, I want to pick up the pieces and mend us. "I fucked it all up and now she wont even look at me" I tell her, unable to stop the sobs escaping.

Gina instantly rushes to my side and scoops me up in her arms, I hold onto her like a child. "You and Emily, its meant to be, its all going to work out eventually" she strokes my hair as I sob on her shoulder, although I hate being this weak it feels good to let it out and drain my emotions. "Emily is hurt love, you have to be there for her when she decides its time to try again" she pulls back gently and holds my face in her hands. I hate looking her in the eyes because im frightened of disappointment, she didn't raise a liar of a cheat, im all of those things. "Everyone makes mistakes babe, you have a lifetime of more mistakes to make, its part of growing up" she smiles moving the hair stuck to my damp face.

I nod and wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand, I return a small smile and let her kiss my forehead. Its times like these when I realise I need my mum around, as annoying and selfish as she can be I love her.

"Now make Emily a cup of tea and take it up to her, show her your trying love" Gina takes her mug from the table and heads back upstairs. I let out a puff of air and ignore the headache building from crying. Mum's right, I have to show Emily im trying to win her back, I have to prove it or she wont believe I want her. I stand up and head towards the kettle.

**Hey guys will be updating my other story soon, its just that I moved house and set my computer up with no internet so I have written this new one lol Got the internet back now (Thank god, there's only so much of The L Word and Skins I could watch back to back!) Please review and I will update soon I have a good few chapters already written :) x**


	2. Lie About Us

I hate feeling nervous. Its fucking pathetic to be honest, you would think im going to meet somebody really famous by the way my hearts pounding rapidly and my hands are beginning to sweat. But im not. I'm standing outside my bedroom door with a cup of tea for Emily. I hate that its come down to this, tip-toeing around her, not wanting to piss her off any more then I already have. I bite my lip and laugh at myself, since when did I become so ridiculous? I turn the door handle and creep in, the dark blinds block the sunlight making my room seem cold and empty. Only the small sounds of snoring can be heard, I carefully place the mug on my night stand and sit on my swivel chair.

Emily's chest continues to rise and fall as I stare at her. Taking in every bit of detail, right down to every strand of hair on her head. Seems quite sad and abit weird but nobody knows how much I miss her. We're in the same room, sharing our lives but she seems so far away. The urge to just run my hand through her hair, fill my nostrils with her scent is overwhelming. I slowly reach out and grab the grey jumper she was wearing yesterday, I bring the fabric to my nose and inhale. The smell of Emily makes me want to cry, everyday I feel like ive lost her a little bit more. My heart jumps as she turns over and throws one leg out from the duvet, I cant help but smile at her angelic face. I watch her eyes flutter and I quickly toss the jumper back on the end of the bed. Emily finding me sniffing her clothes would raise more then a few awkward questions.

"I made you a cuppa tea" I nod towards the mug as she props herself up on my pillows. Her hair stands at odd ends and her vest is twisted slightly but she still looks perfect. I watch as she reaches for the mug and takes a quick sip, I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them.

"Thanks" she says dryly, I can see she's trying hard not to look at me. Why would she want to look at me? I cant even look at myself without feeling ashamed. I broke her, I broke her heart into pieces for some one night stand that meant nothing, nothing at all. I ruined it, she had every right to treat me this way, I fucked us up for nothing.

"Do you want some breakfast?" I ask playing with the strand of cotton on my pj bottoms. I want to treat her, buy her things, make her breakfast in bed, anything to show that I love her and want her still. Material things don't mean shit though do they? Its all about words, buying back someone's affection is wrong, I know that. I clear my throat and cough, "I thought maybe we could go out? You know, for breakfast?" I ask nervously realizing I sound like a pathetic fourteen year old asking for a date.

Emily takes another sip of tea and shrugs her shoulders, "Okay" she replies softly placing the mug down. I watch as she throws the duvet off herself and heads towards the door, I cant help but stare at her bare legs, it seems so long ago when they were wrapped around me. Emily grabs a towel and walks to the bathroom, I smile as she turns to shut the door hoping she looks my way. She doesn't. She simply looks at the lino flooring and shuts the door behind herself. Well, breakfast's a start I suppose.

* * * * *

Stale coffee and fried food was all I smelt as we sat down in the Café. Emily had said nothing the whole ten minutes we had walked together, our hands brushed occasionally making my heart jump, I wanted to hold her hand so much. Wanting to let everyone know we're together, that we are strong and fearless. Except Emily didn't want to hold my hand, I didn't reach out for hers because she wasn't ready.

Emily buried her head in the menu whilst I looked out of the window. People walking to work, teenagers hurrying in the shops not wanting to miss a bargain, old people waiting for the next bus. Life seemed so slow and boring without Emily's smile, knowing she's there for me was sometimes the only thing worth living for.

"What can I get you guys?" I snapped my head back and smiled politely at the waitress. Hannah was her name apparently, her name tag was slightly on the wonk and she had coffee stains on her apron. Her bleached blonde hair was scraped back into a tight bun, and her glasses looked like coke bottle rims. Attractive.

Emily handed the menu to the waitress, "Just coffee and toast please" she forced a smile and quickly crossed her arms. She did that alot, blocked herself away from me, almost as if I couldn't touch her.

"Er..coffee thanks" I ordered watching her scribble on the notepad and slowly walk away. My eyes wondered around the table, I didn't want to look at Emily because I had no idea what she expected me to say. I toyed with the tablecloth trying to conjure up something to talk about, I knew she didn't want to talk to me, not really. "Hows Katie? Have you spoken to her?" I kick myself instantly, why would she want to talk about her homophobic self centred family? I'm such a twat.

Emily pulls the sleeves of her jumper down stretching them, she sits back in the chair and shrugs her shoulders. "Yeah she's fine, busy helping mum with her new job I suspect" she replies not showing much interest. Well come on Katie Fitch is far from interesting. "She dumped Sam" she adds looking out the window.

"Oh" I answer not surprised at all. Katie was never one for keeping a bloke, she always had a new boyfriend. "What was wrong with him this time?" I ask trying to keep the light conversation up, this was the most we had spoken for two weeks.

"Too short" Emily quickly replied moving her hands off the table as our the waitress delivered our order to us. Emily grabbed the knife from the small plate and began buttering her toast, the conversation died quickly and once again we were silent.

* * * * *

Once I had paid for breakfast we walked outside. The cool air hit my face waking me up a little more, I glanced at Emily standing beside me. Her eyes scanned the street of people, she looked so lost in that head of hers, she looked tired, tired from the pain I caused. I let the guilt wash over me once again, I didn't think I was capable of hurting someone so much, I had broken my own heart too. That's the trouble with loving someone, you let them in so your totally open and vulnerable, they can easily fuck you up and rip your heart out.

Emily began walking, so I followed. It used to be the other way around, I would walk and Emily would follow me. I knew she had to take the lead, she was the one to decide if there was ever going to be an us again. I knew there was a small chance we could try again, but I also knew I had destroyed her and that killed any chance of us being together ever again.

I walked beside her, it was nice pretending that everything was okay, even if it was for a few seconds. The trees swayed in the wind as we approached the park, it was quite peaceful and serene. Emily's eyes were fixed on a couple laying on the grass listening to an ipod, she sighed softly and sat herself down. Seeing other people happy and in love only made me hate myself even more, we were that happy and that in love. I sat down beside her and cherished Emily's presence, the wind messing up her hair reminded me of her standing on the ledge. I knew she wouldn't jump but a small part of my mind wasn't so sure, my mind wondered back to that moment, the moment when our love came tumbling down.

"Do you ever think about it?" Emily asked.

I turned to her and frowned, "About what?" I ask sounding a little confused.

Emily licked her lips and tucked her hair behind her ear, "About what would have happened if I never found out?" she crossed her legs placing her hands in her lap.

I looked down at the grass pressing my lips together forming a line, was there anything I could truly say to make things better? Would she want to hear my apologizes over and over again? I hated not knowing what to say, what to do.

"You would have carried on. Lying to me" Emily's voice sounded so empty as she spoke, I watched as she tore her eyes away from the view and turned her head to face me.

Our eyes connected and I felt my heart flutter, she looked so beautiful. I took in every single feature of her face, her little nose, her perfect mouth, everything about Emily Fitch was exquisite. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing seemed to come out, I wanted to tell her how I really felt. How she's the only one I want and think about, how my arms ache from not holding her. Would she care? Would she listen? Would she believe me?

"Em, I.."

"Emily, Naomi! Hi"

My speech was cut short by interruptions, Emily looked a tad relieved. Pandora and Effy walked towards us, I say walked, Pandora skipped happily whilst Effy fussed over her cigarette. The two were odd, together they were fucking weird but I suppose it worked for them. Panda needed somebody like Effy in her life, the poor girl had no life or boy experience, except Cook and Thomas, hardly relationship expert. Effy needed Pandora, some normality, some humour, the girl always seemed so dark and closed off.

Emily got up from her feet and smiled, she looked pleased to see them. "Hey" she said softly brushing the dirt off her arse.

I got up and looked at Effy, she seemed to get me, know what I was thinking and feeling. What I did was fucked up but hitting Katie with a rock was far worse, Effy knew she was messed up but she seemed to just shrug her shoulders at the world. She had Freddie now, she had love and it seemed to make her a better person.

"What are you two doing here? Me and Eff just came from the pub, Cookie's uncle Keith was doing the quiz but we got bored" Pandora explained.

Emily shrugged, "Just taking a walk, seeing the sites" she replies, there was no happiness to her voice as she spoke.

"Not much to see" Effy added offering me a cigarette.

I took the cigarette, "Its peaceful, well if you don't mind horny teens dry humping on the grass over there" I nodded towards the couple whilst I lit up.

Pandora turned to see, "Me and Tommo used to come here to do kissing and drink beer, we don't no more though" she said sadly pulling down her top.

Effy took a deep toke from the fag and flicked the ash on the floor. "Hows living together?" she asked glancing at Emily. Effy knew things weren't good between us, Cook had opened his mouth during conversation, I didn't mind, Effy was the last person to gossip.

Emily nodded, "Its good" she half smiled and grabbed my hand, she entwined her fingers with mine. I was sure my heart raced abnormally fast, faster then it ever had before. "Its fun" she lied turning to me, she forced a smile and I saw right through it. She wanted to lie to everyone, pretend things were ok when really things were falling apart.

Effy raised an eyebrow and looked towards me, I caught her eye and looked away, it was so complicated to even begin explaining. "Yeah" I nodded looking down at our hands. A moment ago I would have cherished the contact, I would have done anything to hold her hand. But this was fake, I didn't deserve her to lie for me, to save me from gasps and gossip.

"Well we just came to say howdy doody, them lot are still at the pub if you fancy it" Pandora smiled and turned to Effy.

I finished my cigarette and tossed it beside me, "Yeah, well if not see you at college" I replied stamping the fag out until the embers were completely out.

"Yeah see you" Effy smiled softly and began walking, Pandora hurried by her side and the two made their way home.

Emily quickly dropped my hand like I had scolded her and walked away, she obviously wasn't in the mood for socialising because she was heading towards my road. I ran to keep up with her, I had no idea what I was going to say but I knew we needed to talk, straighten all this out.

"Emily..what was all that about? Why did you lie?" I ask coming to a stop.

Emily turns to face me, "You lie all the time, am I not allowed?" she asks sarcastically shrugging her shoulders.

"Emily please" I beg wanting her to hear me out, give me a chance to explain properly.

"Just fuck off!" Emily shook her head and ran from me. I never thought she would run away from me. I watched as she got through the front door as quickly as possible slamming it shut.


	3. Just Going With It

Being locked out of your own house is never fun. I had been sitting on the stone cold steps waiting for Emily to open the door, it gave me alot of time to think about things. With mum and Kieran out for the evening I had no way of getting inside, the key under the plant pot was now Emily's and I had left mine in the bedroom. Fucking typical that I leave it upstairs on the day I need it, well I didn't know I was going to be locked out by Emily to be fair. I get why she lied to Effy and Pandora, I suppose it was a pride thing. Pretend everything is dandy, people seem to get off on other peoples misery and pain. Emily's not one to show she's hurting, show that somebody has fucked her up. She's strong, that's how she's been brought up.

After two hours of sitting out in the cold, my arse had become numb and my hands felt like ice. I got up and walked towards my gate, Emily was in the exact same spot looking up at me two weeks ago. I turned to my window and sighed at the blinds being shut, she obviously wanted me to freeze to death out here. I reached into my pocket and grabbed my phone, I had memorized her number having called her so many times. I wrapped my coat around myself as I waited for her to answer, after ten rings it went to voice mail. Fuck it, if she doesn't wanna listen now she's not gonna wanna listen to a shitty voice mail message is she?

I decided to leave Emily alone for a while, she wanted to be alone and I needed to clear my head. My mind was a total fucking mess to be honest, it felt like I couldn't think straight without guilt clouding every thought. I was glad Emily chose not to tell anyone what happened, apart from her dad, out of all the Fitch's he was the least scariest and the least strange. If Jenna found out I was a lying cheating bitch she would never accept me and Emily being together, she already dislikes me and made it crystal clear that im not good enough for her daughter. Then there's Katie, fucking bitch. I cant stand her really, I tolerate her because of Emily, its the right thing to do. We hate each other end of. Katie thinks I turned Emily gay which is bollocks, and I think Katie is a self obsessed slag that would shag anything with a dick. End of.

The pub stank. Its not that I didn't like the pub, I had gotten used to it. It just looked old and smelt dirty, the people that drank in there were no better. Old blokes wasting their wages away on pints and fruit machines, it was the same crowd every week, nothing ever changed.

"Naomikins! Nice of you to join us!" Cook shouted grinning like a banshee, he motioned for me to join him by patting the seat beside him.

I sighed and strolled over, "This looks fun" I slump down next to him and smiled at JJ and Freddie.

"Fucking right it is babe, pint?" Cook asked finishing off his own.

"Fuck it, why not" I reply moving my legs so he could get out and walk to the bar. "Quiz night eh? Take it I missed all the excitement?" I turn to Freddie, he leans on the table with a bottle stuck firmly to his hand.

"Yeah it was shit. Eff went home early but Cook wouldn't let me leave, says we have to spend quality time together" Freddie rolled his eyes and took a swig of beer.

"No Emily?" JJ asks blinking several times. Its not that I dislike him, because I don't. Its the fact he slept with Emily which fucks me off, after all this time I still want to rip his head off over it.

"No. No Emily" I confirm.

Cook puts a pint of cloudy looking beer in front of me along with a few shots. "Getting me blind drunk is still not gonna make me wanna fuck you James" I slap the side of his face softly and take a sip.

Cook cackled throwing his head back, "Nah I know babe, me and you are both alike" he pointed at me.

"Oh really?" I raise an eyebrow. "How?" I ask.

"We both fucking love pussy babe" Cook answered slapping his knee and suddenly grabbing JJ and ruffling his hair. I laughed as I watched JJ try to fight him off, Freddie stared into space oblivious to it all.

Cook downs his share of shots, im not sure how he manages to consume so much alcohol and not throw his guts up. Me and Cook somehow get each other, believe it or not he is a pretty good listener and his advice aint too bad either.

"So blondie where's your lover?" Cooks asks wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his polo top.

I take a big gulp and place the glass on the coaster, I watch as JJ sips his fizzy water and watches a group of tarty girls strut in. "At home, not in the party mood" I reply not wanting to say too much in front of Freddie and JJ. The least people that knew the better, I don't wanna be branded a cheat to everyone that knew me.

"I'm never really in the party mood" JJ adds straightening the collar of his jacket.

"That's coz' your a fucking boring bastard J" Cook finishes his pint and slams the glass on the wooden table. "Go on Freds your round!" he smiles nodding towards the bar.

Freddie licked his lips and took another swig from his bottle, "Actually mate im gonna go" he smiled softly and stood up. "I promised dad I would help him with something".

I could tell he was lying, it wasn't as if him and Effy were secretly dating. Everybody knew they were together, much to Cook's disgust. I turned to Cook and watched his eyes pierce into Freddie's back, if looks could kill he would be six feet under.

"I'll get them in" I stand up and rummage through my bag for my purse.

Cook rubs his hands together, "Good girl Naomikins, lets get this party fucking started!" he shouts excitedly banging the table with his fists.

It was obviously going to be a long night.

* * * * *

"Emily cant even bare to look at me, she wont talk to me" I rant downing another couple of shots. Apparently they were on the house, Keith had blatantly pulled one of the middle aged woman, putting him in a good mood. Cook had special supplies also, im not sure what I had taken but it sure felt good not to feel the pain any more.

"Its alright, you got me babe" Cook placed a sloppy kiss on my cheek and casually put his arm around me. I somehow felt safe with him, I knew nothing bad would happen because he wouldn't let it. I saw him as a big brother, someone to turn to when things got rough, someone to drown your sorrows with.

I felt my head spin and a sudden urge to get up and dance, "Come on fuck it!" I stand up loosing my balance a little. "Lets just forget about all the shit!" I wave my hands in the air.

Cook snakes his arm around my waist, "I think I should take you home princess, your a fucking state" he laughs grabbing his pint glass and downing the dregs. Never a waster is Cook.

* * * * *

I let him drag me home, I feel a wave of sickness hit me as I stand outside my house. Cook knocks on the door with a fag hanging from his lips, I take it from his mouth and inhale deeply, it only gives me a head rush and the urge to lay down. I mentally remind my drunken self that im never going to think about alcohol let alone drink it.

Emily opens the door, her eyes widen as she stares at me. I lean over the bush and throw the contents of my stomach up, I hear Cook laughing manically.

"What have you done to her?" Emily asks leaning against the door frame.

Cook flicks the ash to the floor, "Nothing she's just had too much booze" he defends shoving his hands in his pockets like a school boy.

"And the rest" Emily points out.

"Yeah alright so she let loose and had a good time, you should try it instead of being cooped up in here" Cook grabbed a hold of my arm as I stumbled towards him.

Emily shook her head, "Fuck off Cook, the least you can do is bring her in yeah?" she moved aside and opened the door wider.

I saw nothing but fuzziness as I stumbled into the living room, "Your such a good friend Cookie" I ruffled his hair a little as he laid me on the couch, I knew I was never going to remember this in the morning, the hangover was going to be horrendous. "Love you Emily" I breathed, quickly falling into a deep sleep, letting darkness take over.


	4. Fixing You Is Impossible

Sunday. I slowly turned over ignoring the small pool of drool I had left on the cushion and looked at my phone for the time. It was already 10:00am and I felt like I had only slept for a few hours. My head started banging with pain, it was definitely time for aspirin and a strong cup of coffee. I always do this to myself, I don't think about how im going to feel in the morning, I always have the worst hangovers. I lay there for a while trying to remember bits from last night, all my mind remembered was Cook buying so many shots they were coming out of his ears. One after the other, no wonder I felt like shit. My shirt stunk of puke which meant I made a complete tit out of myself and probably sicked all over someone. Lovely. I got up from the couch and padded to the kitchen, mum had left a green note on the fridge telling me she and Kerian had gone out shopping. This meant me and Emily were all alone, a few weeks ago we wouldn't have wasted any time with a free house. Now being alone with Emily wasn't so fun.

"Good night then?" Emily asks standing against the door frame. I can tell by the tone of her voice that she's pissed off with me, not really my fault to be fair. If she hadn't of locked me out then there was no way I would have chosen Cook for company.

I run my fingers through my hair and switch the kettle on, I notice its lukewarm which meant mum hadn't been gone very long. "Er yeah, well I think so" I reply reaching for two mugs in the cupboard.

"You puked in the bush" Emily noted pulling out a kitchen chair.

I feel my cheeks turn a shade of scarlet as I put the coffee in the mugs, I hate being reminded of what a drunken twat I can be. "Sorry" I say softly, not quite sure why im apologizing. I pour the hot water into the mugs and hand one to Emily, she nods to thank me and takes a sip. "I didn't want to go out and get fucked, its just I had no way to get in" I burn my tongue on the hot liquid and wince, fucking coffee.

Emily shrugs her shoulders, "Mum's having a party this afternoon, celebrate her new job" she picks at her nail polish.

"Oh" I nod realizing I sound like a dick, that's all I ever seem to say when she tells me something. "You going then?" I ask taking the headache tablets from the table, my mum obviously knows me quite well having left them out for me.

"I said we'd both be there" Emily informs me, her eyes meet mine and for a moment I can see a small glint of hope that I'll say yes. "I already invited everyone else" she brings the cup to her lips and blows away the steam.

I swallow the pills with my coffee and clear my throat, to me this is massive. The fact Emily wants me to go is a big step In the right direction. "Okay, I'll take a shower then" I cant help but smile at her as I walk out of the kitchen, I know its going to take time but it feels like we're moving forward, together.

* * * * *

As I walked up to the Fitch's front door I instantly wanted to turn and run back home. Lets be honest they all hate me for one reason or another, Jenna and Katie would have a field day if they knew the truth. Annoying tinny pop music could be heard clearly, which meant the party was in their back garden, I decided it was shit before I even took a step in. Emily stood by my side with a bottle of unopened Vodka in her hand. I wasn't sure what kind of party it was, turning up with a cheep bottle of Smirnoff was obviously going to give the impression that we're planning on getting fucked, I didn't want to argue with Emily though. I reached out and rang the doorbell, within a few seconds Katie answered the door.

"About time, mums been doing my fucking head in over this party" Katie opened the door and let us in, she took the bottle from Emily and quickly unscrewed the lid. "James and his pervy friends are already wrecking the place" she explained wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

I watched as Emily took the bottle and gulped from it, the last thing I wanted was to see her completely wasted in front of everybody, god knows what she might say. She handed the bottle to me as we walked through the kitchen to the back garden, I took a swig and felt a little calmer. Katie stood proudly at the table of food she obviously made, I hated having to tolerate and humour somebody I fucking hated, but for Emily I would do just about anything.

"Did you do all this?" I ask reminding myself that being nice to all the Fitch's would show Emily that im willing to try. I hated Katie's cocky confident façade, it was all completely fake, she was fake with a capital F.

Katie nodded and took the bottle from me, I didn't mind because seeing Katie pissed was rather amusing. She somehow always made a complete twat out of herself by throwing her skank body to anything with a cock and balls. The only thing to truly shut her up was to hit her over the head with something, it seemed Effy already beat me to it last year.

"Look Ems I aint being funny but could you keep all the lezzy stuff down to a minimum, its just mum is still pissed off about it and I don't wanna see your faces stuck together all day" Katie smiled sarcastically and made her way over to Pandora and JJ.

Emily turned to look at me, "I don't think that's gonna be a problem do you?" she asked raising an eyebrow.

I said nothing. What could I say? I watched as she pushed past me and joined her sister, I felt so alone, I was seriously contemplating leaving, no-one would have been bothered. I grabbed a plastic cup of what looked like home-made punch, fucking hell this was like a party for ten year olds. All we needed was a clown and a bouncy castle, I smiled at the thought of Pandora's party, the way Emily bravely kissed me, not giving a fuck about anything or anyone.

"Katie never mentioned this kind of party" Effy smiled poking the pink balloons tied to the food table.

I smile and take a sip of punch, I quickly regret putting it anywhere near my lips. Taste like fucking shit, Katie must have tampered with it because it burned like fuck. "I'm only here for Emily" I take the cigarette she offers me and light up.

"Things still shit?" Effy asks.

I nod, "Really shit actually, there's nothing I can do to make it better" I explain glancing over at my girlfriend, she looked happy on the outside but I knew she was hurting inside, she hides it well.

"Heard you were quite the party-goer last night" Effy smiles and looks over at me. Her hair gently sways in the soft wind, if she wasn't such a mind fuck she would be beautifully perfect. There's something mysteriously intriguing about her.

I take a deep toke from the fag, "Yeah well Emily locked me out, had no where else to go but to get shit faced with Cook. Not the best idea to be honest, I drank way to much, took fuck knows what drugs and puked in a bush" I sigh heavily. "Christ no wonder Emily cant bare to fucking look at me" I say feeling sorry for myself.

Effy's smile broadened slightly, she dropped the cigarette on the patio floor and stamped it out. "She'll come back to you when she's ready" she said simply.

* * * * *

"I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for coming" Jenna grinned widely whilst holding a glass of champagne.

The party had gotten worse, by worse I mean James Fitch and his evil minions had tried soaking everyone with water pistols, little wankers. Pandora had talked herself into depression, every word that left her lips was about Thomas and how shit she felt. JJ looked worried that Cook had yet to show up, and I was left watching Emily get more and more pissed by the second.

"Us Fitch's are going through a tough time at the moment but we're hoping this new business will get us right back on our feet" Jenna continued, it was all a fucking show to her friends.

I sat on a plastic garden chair with a can of cheap beer in my hand, Effy sat close beside me chain smoking, it was obvious she was pining for Freddie. Emily glanced over at me a few times but her eyes were glazed over, I couldn't stop her having a good time, or drowning the pain she was feeling.

"So I'd like everyone to enjoy the food and drink and toast with me to celebrate the launch of 'Lets Get Fitched!'" Jenna raised her glass proudly whilst everyone clapped and cheered, I felt my teeth grind together, it all felt so false.

Emily staggered over to Jenna and raised the bottle of vodka, she had consumed more then half of it, she looked like her legs could give way at any moment. "Celebrate!" Emily spat along with a cackling laugh. "What is there to be happy about? Why is everyone pretending to be happy?" she slurred holding onto the table for balance.

Everyone had stopped to listen. If the ground were to swallow me whole I would have gratefully accepted, I put the can of lager on the floor and stood up. There was no way I was going to let Emily embarrass herself, of anybody for that matter. I felt my heartbeat drumming in my ears, I hated seeing her like this, she looked like a lost little girl.

"Emily what the hell has gotten into you!" Jenna clenched her jaw, her eyes were wide and fearful that her party was about to be ruined.

"Me!" Emily shrieked pointing to her chest. "Look at all of you playing happy families, pretending you love each other, its all fucking pathetic!" she shouted spilling Vodka on the floor as she stumbled towards me.

"Emily stop please" I begged softly tilting my head to the side in hopes she would listen to me.

We held eye contact for a few seconds, her gorgeous brown eyes watered whilst her bottom lip wobbled. I wanted to scoop her in my arms and tell her everything was going to be okay, that I wanted to make it all go away. I reached out and touched her wrist, to be honest I was shit scared she was going to fall over and hurt herself, I watched her look down at the contact. It felt so long since we touched, I knew her heart was racing just like mine, even in her drunken state.

"Lets go home yeah?" I whisper not wanting to make a scene, my hand still firmly around her small wrist.

"Home?" Emily frowned. "What's home? Nothing feels like home any more!" she sobbed letting the fresh tears fall from her eyes. She tried her hardest to break free from my grip but I wasn't about to let her go.

"Emily stop, lets just go" I said sternly glancing at a worried looking Effy. I didn't need this shit right now, I knew Emily would regret everything once she was sober, I was doing this for her. "Come on" I pull her gently towards me.

Emily snapped her wrist back, the fury in her eyes burned right through my soul. "Get your fucking dirty hands off me!" she shouted, quickly wiping her damp face with her hand.

"Your gonna regret this" I tell her, I cant help but let the hot tears run down my face. They say never air your dirty laundry in public, Emily obviously wanted everyone to know what a bitch I really was.

Emily's top lip curled up slightly, she pointed a finger at me. "Just like your regret eh Naoms? Your dirty little secret!" she snarled. "Was it good? Better then me was it? I bet I never even crossed your mind" she pushed me with all her strength into the brick wall behind me.

I felt the brick scrape my back, she pushed her body against mine, public humiliation all the way. "Stop this shit right now" I breathed, her face so close to mine I could feel her warm breath tickling my lips.

"Like it rough don't you babe? Did you tell Sophia to do that thing with her tongue you like so much?" Emily bit her lip and raised an eyebrow. "Oh come on I know you want it" she grinned running a hand in between my legs.

I quickly stopped her pushing her hand away, "I'm leaving" I announced pushing past her. I grabbed my jacket from behind the chair along with my bag, there was no way I was going to let her do this to me no matter how much I deserved it.

**Not sure if im going to carry on because hardly got any reviews :( hope you like this chapter though =]**


	5. It Was Forever Then, Its Forever Now

My bedroom walls felt like they were closing in on me as darkness took over the sky. I wasn't sure how im suppose to feel any more, ive felt all the emotions you could possibly experience. The guilt never went away though, it just seemed to fester in the pit of my stomach, It got worse whenever Emily was near me, whenever her innocent eyes looked at me. I was starting to fear it was never going to go away, that I would be stuck with this feeling forever. My mind drifted back to the party just a few hours ago, Emily looked so out of control, it was my fault.

I sucked in a deep breath and took the earphones out my ears, the songs on my Ipod began depressing me and the last thing I wanted was to cry it all out. Just over an hour ago mum and Kieran arrived home, I heard them complaining about the food in some restaurant they went too. Everyone else's love lives seemed okay, its only mine that's a complete fucking disaster. Why is life never easy? Why is there always fucking obstacles and hurdles in the way? The one time im actually happy and in love, I fuck it all up. Emily was yet to walk through the door, I was starting to think maybe she decided to sleep in her bed, in her real home.

A faint knock on the door only made me more irritated, Irritated because I didn't want to be disturbed. Me and my guilty conscience were fine all on our own, I didn't need my Mums pity or 'Give her time' speech.

"Just piss off" I sighed loudly pushing my face into a pillow.

The door creaked making me turn around, either somebody felt brave or they were fucking stupid to come in. "Mum I don't want a cuppa tea and no, Emily has not come back and no we haven't sorted things out" I closed my eyes hoping she would just do one.

"Its coffee actually"

Kieran. Mum probably sent him up to try and talk to me, she does that whenever she has no idea what to say or do. To be fair I do like Kieran, he's a decent bloke. Despite trying to get off with me, he makes my Mum happy. That's all that matters I suppose. I turn and force a smile whilst propping myself up against the headboard.

"Thanks. How was your night?" I ask taking the mug of coffee from him. I watched as he sat himself down on the edge of my bed, he had gained half a stone whilst living with us, mum obviously thinks he's gonna run off with somebody else so she feeds him abnormal portions of food.

Keiran runs a hand across his stubble then places his hands on his lap. "Shit, the food was alright but the waiter was a cocky wanker" he explained in his thick Irish accent. "Where's Emily?" he casually asks.

"Probably sleeping off the bottle of vodka she drunk" I reply wishing she would just come home despite me being so fucked off with her. "The party didn't go too well" I say softly taking a sip of coffee. I shake my head, "Actually no, it was all fine up to the bit when Emily basically told everyone what I did" I nod, Yeah that went down well" I smirk sarcastically and place the mug on the night stand.

Keiran chewed his lip, I could tell he had no idea what to say. It was strange him being my teacher and then coming home to him and my mum acting like horny sixteen year olds. To be honest he's a good friend and a decent listener but that's about it.

"Its alright, you don't have to say anything. I don't know what to say half the time, so don't worry" I rest my head on the headboard and close my eyes, my body feeling so tired and drained from everything. "Its official, im the worlds biggest fuck up" I sigh trying to switch off my annoying mind and think of absolutely nothing.

"Maybe this is what you need Naomi" Kieran said.

I opened my eyes and stared at him, I felt my body suddenly flood with anger. "What? My girlfriend hating me? My whole life fucking down the toilet because I cheated and threw away the one thing I cared about?" i pierced my eyes into his. "Yeah this is just what I need, just leave please" I swept away the hair from my eyes and rubbed my forehead a little.

"I meant time to think about other options, university perhaps?" Kieran looked shocked by my outburst and for a second I felt bad for taking it out on him. Fuck it, no-one understands, they all think its so easy. "Your a clever girl Naomi, maybe some time away from your relationship would help you decide your future" he got up from my bed and walked towards the door.

I looked up at him, "Emily is my future" I tell him sternly, wanting him to take me completely seriously.

Keiran nodded flashing me a crooked smile, "Buy her flowers, and not ones from a petrol station. Always does the trick" he winked shutting the door behind himself.

Flowers. Fucking flowers. If only it was that simple to win Emily's heart back.

**Thanks for the comments, please keep them coming, I really want to continue writing this =] Review and enjoy!**


	6. Kick Me While I'm Down

Emily still hadn't arrived home, I wasn't surprised to say the least. After the amount of vodka she consumed it was probably for the best to stay with her family. Knowing the bed was free I still decided to kip on the couch, I didn't deserve to sleep in the bed, it was Emily's now. The house felt alot colder then usual, mum and Kieran tip-toed around me like I was a bomb waiting to explode, I was sure I had cried enough tears to last me forever. Just knowing that Emily's safe and warm in my bed was enough to put me at ease, even if we weren't talking to each other. But she's not. She's with her family, in her own bed and I cant even see her.

I hadn't slept at all, my thoughts enjoyed torturing me by keeping me awake and telling me what a complete prick I am. I hate trying to close your eyes when a conversation with yourself is disturbing you, no matter what you do to close off you cant. The lump in my throat is now permanent, I cant remember the last time I had eaten something properly without feeling sick. I never wanted to let myself get like this, not over another human being. Emily had a hold over me and no matter how much I tried to run away from it, I couldn't. My eyes watered as I thought about the barbecue, the look in Emily's dead eyes felt crushing, like I had taken away all her life and energy.

I managed to get just over an hour of sleep before my mum woke me, she opened the blinds letting the sunlight pour through. I rubbed my forehead and groaned as I pushed the blanket off my body, I winced squeezing my eyes shut tightly.

"Do you have to open the blinds mum? I got a fucking headache" I moaned with my head between my legs.

Gina wrapped her dressing gown around herself, "Maybe If you had a proper nights sleep you wouldn't feel so shitty love" she stated crossing her arms and looking down at me. "Anyway its morning" she pointed out.

I stood up ignoring the head rush and the wave of sickness, "How can I sleep? You just don't get it do you?" I shake my head and walk into the kitchen. I know its not her fault yet I cant help but blame somebody else, if only it was that easy.

"Keiran told me what happened, you know at the barbecue" Gina said carefully.

I lit a cigarette and turned around to face her, "I deserved it, now everyone knows what a fuck up I am" I shrug my shoulders and take a long drag. The nicotine I had been craving rushes into my bloodstream providing me with the fix I needed.

"You need to.."

"Yeah yeah give her time I know, you already said" I cut her off quickly.

I watched as she half smiled and walked back upstairs, there was nothing she could say that I hadn't heard before. Giving Emily time felt too hard, how much time would she need? Would she decide she didn't want me any more? What if in the time away from me she found somebody else? Somebody that wouldn't cheat and hurt her? I hated this. No matter how much I tried to stop myself, I deserved to be beaten down, I was no good for nothing.

I took another long drag and stubbed the cigarette out in the ashtray. I ran my hands over my face letting out a heavy sigh. My throat felt dry and scratchy, like I had been out on a bender. If only. I opened the cupboard and grabbed a glass, it was far too early for Vodka or any kind of alcohol. As I drank the ice cold water the front door opened and slammed shut again.

"Em?" I called out, hoping it was her. Praying it was her.

Emily appeared in the doorway, she looked hungover, but better. The dark circles under her eyes had faded slightly and her hair looked fresh and clean.

I put the glass down and lent against the kitchen units, "How are you feeling?" I ask quickly regretting the question. What a stupid fucking question, of course she doesn't feel on top of the world. I look down at my feet and wonder why im so stupid, so stupid.

"Fine, you?" she asks softly, playing with the her keys.

I shrug my shoulders and say nothing, she shouldn't care how I feel, Emily's far too kind to even ask me. I open my mouth to speak but quickly decide not to say anything at all. I deserved to be humiliated in front of everybody even if I was pissed off about it.

"I'm going out" she announces tossing her keys on the kitchen table. She makes her way over to the fridge grabbing the orange juice carton.

I bite the inside of my cheek and cross my arms over my chest, "You've just got back?" I point out trying not to sound annoyed. I watch her finish the juice and wipe her mouth with her sleeve.

"So?" she frowns licking her lips and puts the carton back, she always does that even though its empty, another reason why I love her I suppose. "I'm just meeting a friend" she admits innocently shutting the fridge door.

I let out a puff of air and reach for the spliff in my cigarette packet, "Have fun then" I cant help but sound sarcastic as I light up and watch her walk out the door again. Was this fucking shitty weird thing between us ever going to go away? She obviously came back to tell me she was going out. I swallowed the acid taste building in my mouth, and watched her out the window, all the way until she was out of site. Fuck it. Emily was going out to have a good time, I wanted a good time myself. I took a long toke of spliff and let my troubles vanish into thin air.

* * *

A few hours later I felt more relaxed then ever. Mum and keiran had fucked off out which meant I had some time to myself. After a few spliffs and a bottle of vodka, my mind was totally sloshed. I had called Cook several times to join me but his phone went straight to voice mail, probably shagging some girl or punching Freddie over Effy. The same shit different day.

Under the influence, everything felt and looked better, even if my heart was totally shattered deep down. As I enjoyed the mix of weed and Vodka, my mind wondered back to the summer me and Emily shared. All the late nights talking and giggling, not giving a shit about anybody else, just aslong as we were together then everything was all good. I took another swig of Vodka, I ignored the burn as it trickled down my throat, to be honest it was the only thing keeping me warm. My phone vibrated angrily sending me into fits of laughter, drugs seem to love me.

"Hello this is my phone" I laugh putting the bottle down.

"Its Katie. Just tell Emily that she left her skirt here yeah?" she said bluntly in her annoying whiny voice.

"Katie Fitch total bitch" I giggle trying my hardest to blow smoke rings. It was no use, I was shit at it. "Why don't you just phone her and tell her?" I ask putting the spliff out and leaning against the wall. Not even Katie could pull me out of my happy drugged up mood.

"Because she's not answering her phone, what the fuck is up with you?"

I shrug even though she cant see me, "Where is she?" I slur suddenly feeling the vodka kicking in. I decide to try and stand up whilst holding the phone and the vodka, the wall seemed to support me as I clumsily bashed into it.

"Not that its any of your business, but she's meeting a girl" Katie twisted the knife a little more. I could almost see her evil smirk down the phone.

I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and punched me several times in the face. Emily out with another girl? A girl that wasn't me? Surely she wouldn't, she couldn't. Emily was still heartbroken, still utterly hurt because of me. I quickly hung up and ran to the downstairs toilet to throw the contents of my stomach up.

The acid burned my mouth. Katie was lying. She always hated me, this was just another way to try and keep me away from Emily. It had to be.

* * *

The smell of cigarettes wafted up my nose, after being sick it was the last thing I wanted to smell. I opened my eyes and realized I was still in the bathroom, my arms flung over the toilet seat like some dirty drunk. I rubbed my eyes and wondered how long I had been sleeping.

"Fucking hell this is mint babes" Cook grinned widely holding his phone in front of me.

"Fuck off Cook!" I groan, slowly getting up. I reached for the tumbler on the window sill and washed my mouth out with water, I decided to not look at myself in the mirror. I couldn't bare to see the state of myself.

Cook cackled with laughter and put the phone in his back pocket, he blew smoke in my direction causing my stomach to turn over. "Where's the party Naomikins? I got fucking worried actually, fucking ten messages" he raised an eyebrow as I pushed past him to get to the kitchen.

"Sorry didn't meant to worry you, I just..needed someone to talk to" I confess opening a window to let the fresh air in. The effects of the spliff and vodka were still in my system, the room felt as if it were spinning madly, whilst strange lights and shapes zoomed across my face.

Cook put his fag out and sat himself down, "I take it this is about Emily?" he asked.

I feel my heart twinge when he mentioned her name, my mind suddenly reminding me that she's out with someone else. "She's out, with some girl I dunno" I shrug.

"She's just fucking with you babe" Cook says simply. "People do fucked up things when they are hurting, you just gotta let her get on with it you know?".

"Yeah well it fucking hurts" I reply blinking away the tears. My eyes hurt so much from crying, Emily was sure turning me into a fucking mess. "There's nothing I can do, she's so..so angry" I look down at my feet hoping he would understand, just understand a little bit.

"Yeah well you shagged some other bird" Cook replied bluntly.

"Oh thanks for reminding me" I snap shooting him a glare. "Go on make me feel even more terrible" I say with a hand gesture.

Cook stood up and walked towards me, "Let it run its course babe, whoever she is with is probably not a fucking patch on you" he smiles softly. I lean into his chest and close my eyes, he wraps his protective arms around me. "Emily fucking loves you" he says strongly squeezing me tighter.

"Thanks" I lean in to kiss his cheek. "For everything you know?" I wipe the tears away with my sleeve.

Cook grins and lights another cigarette, "You owe me blondie, I could think of several ways you could thank me" he wiggles his eyebrows in that annoying pervy but charming way.

"In your dreams and my nightmares Cook" I laugh. Probably the first proper laugh to escape my lips in days.

"Are you sure I cant tempt you?" he points to his crotch.

I give him the middle finger, I cant help but let a smile creep across my face. "Later James".

"Later Naomikins, oh and another thing. Get some fucking sleep, the partying all night look aint looking good babes" Cook said bluntly giving me one last cheeky grin before leaving.

I watched him swagger like a wannabe gangster down my road, my eyes glanced to the clock ticking away on the wall. Six in the evening and I felt shattered, my body ached from not sleeping and my eyes looked and felt so sore. No matter how much I hated myself, I had to have a decent nights sleep, I knew I would only end up ill without sleeping.

I climbed the stairs and walked into my bedroom, my legs somehow carried me to the bed and I slipped inside the cool sheets. My heart once again broke inside my chest as I smelt the pillow Emily always lays on, I let the tears roll down my face until all I could see was darkness. Black,bleak and truly miserable.

**Just a quick thanks for the sudden rush of comments because I was beginning to think no-one was reading or enjoying this fic! Please review and let me know what you think, each comments makes me smileee! Thanks guys! =]**


	7. She's Slipping Through My Fingers

Emily liked to clatter about in the mornings. Anything to wake me up on purpose and piss me off, the lack of sleep was really starting to take its toll. Cups and plates were nosily being put away as I opened my eyes, it was too fucking early for so much racket. Today was college and the thought of seeing everybody made my head hurt. I needed to go and collect revision and books, Keiran would only lecture me if I didn't turn up. I rolled out of bed and jumped straight in the shower, it was relaxing letting the water rush all over my body, it woke me up more then anything.

I got dressed and headed downstairs, I braced myself for a fucked off Emily. She must have got in late and walked up to our bedroom and saw me sleeping in the bed, with an empty space beside me in the morning I knew she must have slept on the couch. I walked into the kitchen to find Emily sitting sipping a hot cup of coffee, I watched her shoulders tense slightly, her eyes gazed around the room. I squeezed past her to get to the kettle, I grabbed a mug from the cupboard and began spooning coffee and sugar in to it. Emily said nothing. The silence echoed around the small kitchen, I hated this shitty routine we had.

"Good night then?" I asked taking a sip.

Emily shrugged her shoulders, "Was alright" she answered bluntly.

After hearing Emily was spending time with another girl, the jealousy within me grew. I knew she was hurt but playing games and trying to fuck with my head was just cruel. My mind wondered back to the phone call I encountered with Katie. Although I knew she took great pleasure in telling me Emily was with someone else, I couldn't help but think she was lying to me, just to hurt me.

"What did you do?" I ask biting my lip, I had to know the truth. If Emily was spending time with another girl then it meant we were over right? That she no longer wanted me as her girlfriend? I put down the mug and stared straight at her.

"I went out" Emily replied.

"Yeah but what did you do? Where did you go?" I ask. I know I sound like a crazy control freak, fuck I think I just heard myself speak like my mother.

"Why does it matter? I went out, I had a few drinks. It was nice." Emily poured the rest of her drink down the sink, maybe I was right after all. I wanted to believe her, but my heart twisted in rage at the thought of her with another girl. A girl that wasn't me.

I took a ready rolled spliff out of my pocket and lit it. Fuck it, I needed something to take the edge off the jealousy bubbling inside me. I watched Emily glance over at me, her eyes held a look of concern and for a split second it looked like she cared.

"We're gonna be late" Emily's voice strained as she tore her eyes away from mine, she looked so beautifully broken I could have cried on the spot.

I grabbed my bag and followed her out the house, I locked the door and breathed in the fresh air. Even though my mind began spinning from the spliff I appreciated the sunshine. Rain just seems to make everything look more depressing and miserable. Emily walked a little in front of me whilst I smoked and trailed behind her. I felt tired, tired of everything being my fault, I wished things would just go back to how they were. When Emily loved me and we were happy, together and happy. But looking at the redhead in front of me I knew things would never be the same again, her trust had been broken in two, and I was slowly falling to pieces.

* * *

"Yes well, it has been shown that sugar can decrease the effectiveness of the immune response by up to fifty percent! It also increases their risks for behavioural issues, diabetes, obesity, and many more health issues. So me and Lara wont be taking that risk with Albert" JJ explained.

Freddie had already switched off, he regretted asking how him and Lara were getting on.

"Alright daddy day care, I think we got it" Cook piped up ruffling JJ's hair like always.

I hadn't heard a word of what JJ had said but I still smiled, I watched Emily chatting to Pandora about some project. Panda waffled on whilst Emily nodded and said 'yeah' occasionally, she looked over at me but then quickly turned away. It hurt.

"What about you Naomi? What did you get up too this weekend?" JJ asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, "Not alot, don't do much these days" I reply crossing my legs.

"Too busy wallowing in self pity" Emily muttered under her breath, loud enough so the gang could hear.

I cut my eyes at her, the tension in the common room suddenly stiffened, I watched everyone look back and forth at us.

"What about you Emily?" JJ asks fiddling with his hands, he always hated awkward situations. "Oh yeah, well I did bump into you last night, Lara said she liked your hair, funny really because she had the same style as you not long ago" JJ stopped for a quick breath and continued. "You know when its up and then some of it is down, its nice, I liked it. Didn't really expect to see you in there with your friend..what's her name?" JJ asked causing my heart to beat faster.

"What friend?" I ask immediately.

"The girl Emily was with" he replies and looks over to Emily, her face hardens with worry. "Shit fuck fucking stupid..bobbins" JJ swallowed loudly and slipped down in his seat.

I watch everyone turn their heads to look at me, their eyes wide with fear wondering if I was going to explode with anger or cry my eyes out. I stood up slowly and straightened my top, the hurt inside burned through my body. Katie was right, my heart was stupid enough not to believe her.

"I've got some..some stuff to do" I announce clearing my throat and pointing towards the door.

I glanced at Emily and the tears instantly made an appearance. My arms and legs felt heavy as I took a step back, my head span wildly and I could feel the bile building in my mouth. I watched the colour in Emily's cheeks drain, her lips pressed tightly together with an unsure expression plastered on her face.

I turned on my heal and made a quick exit, letting the tears roll down my face I pushed past aload of students and ran outside. The rain pelted down and I clutched my bag tighter to my body, my head began thumping with pain. My clothes and hair instantly got drenched, but it calmed me down slightly. I sucked in a deep breath and began to slowly walk home. Its true what they say isn't it? Nobody notices when you cry in the rain.

* * *

"Naomi, Naomi love is that you?" Gina calls from the kitchen.

I close the front door and toss my bag near the stairs, I catch site of myself in the mirror. Fuck I looked bad, I looked like a pile of shit. I quickly unstuck the wet hair from my face and walked into the kitchen.

"Oh good, me and Keiran are going away for a few weeks. He managed to get some time off luckily, he really wants me to meet his family" Gina smiled excitedly whilst zipping up a suitcase.

"Great" I reply, no emotion or tone in my voice what so ever. Me and Emily would have been over the moon a few months ago, the thought of being alone with her filled me with dread. We were barely talking and the house was being left to us.

Gina looked up, her eyes widened. "What happened to you?" she asked cupping my face in her soft hands.

"Its raining mum" I point out nodding towards the window. "I'm fine, you go, have a nice time yeah?" I forced a smile and untangled myself from her arms.

"I've left some money on the side for you and Emily, oh you'll be okay wont you love?" she asked heaving the heavy suitcase off the kitchen table. That woman has hidden strength I swear, it was almost as big as her.

I nod, im not sure who im trying to convince, me or her. "Yeah, honestly we'll be fine" I assure her once more and kiss her cheek. Gina grins and wraps me up in her arms for a cuddle, I layed my head on her shoulder, it was nice being held. My eyes squeezed shut as I struggled to contain my emotions.

A car horn beeped several times, Gina peeped out the window and waved. "That's Keiran, he borrowed a car from his friend. Don't wreck the place Naomi, and make sure you look after Emily okay?" she asked in her serious motherly tone.

"Yes just go, have fun!" I hurry her along in the corridor and open the front door for her. My mum was always fucking terrible with goodbyes, my first day at school she spent nearly an hour hugging me and crying.

"Love you" she called out

"Love you too" I shouted back as I watched her and Keiran lift the case into the boot.

Keiran waved me goodbye and got back in the car, once the car doors were shut and the engine started I waved and closed the front door.

Fan fucking tastic. An empty house. A girlfriend that's not talking to me and seeing other girls to try and make me jealous. A cupboard full of alcohol and a shit load of spliff and pills. Let the fun commence!

**Thank you to everyone that's been reviewing you don't know how happy you make me! Please keep them coming and enjoy this chapter!**


	8. The Simple Things

The next few days seemed like a blur. With mum gone I felt even more lonely then I was before. I secretly wished she hadn't left, who was I to deprive her of being happy though? Emily continued to ignore me half the time, I felt even more disconnected from her every time she walked out the door to go out. I waited for her to stumble through the door whilst laughing hysterically at nothing, this had happened on many occasions.

I contemplated taking my mums room, then horrible thoughts popped into my mind of Keiran shagging my mum. Even with clean sheets, there's no way I could sleep in her bed. To be honest the couch had become comfortable, every night I managed to get no more then a few hours shut eye, it seemed impossible to switch my mind off.

"Morning" Emily mumbled running her fingers through her tangled hair.

I quickly snapped out of my thoughts and let my eyes wonder all over her, taking a long drag from the spliff I couldn't help but stare at her bare skin on show. It had been ages since we last kissed let alone went to bed together. I missed it. I missed her. "Hangover?" I ask even though its obvious judging from the dark circles under her eyes.

Emily grabbed a glass from the draining board and poured the last of the orange juice. "Yeah, well sort of. Kind of used too it" she replied taking a sip and leaning against the worktops.

I nodded and carried on smoking. "Out with what's her name? You know the one JJ mentioned?" I ask squinting through the thick smoke I created. My mind flashed images of Emily all over somebody else, I could feel my blood burning as I tried to shake away my thoughts.

"So what if I was? Nothing to do with you" Emily shrugged her shoulders. Her voice held no emotion, just a flatness that broke my heart a little more. I couldn't quite work out if she meant what she said half the time, or whether she was saying it to hurt me and get some kind of reaction from me.

I put the spliff out and lent back in the chair. "Do you like her?" I ask biting the inside of my cheek. I almost hate myself for asking, I feel like im putting myself through more and more pain by bringing this up.

"Mandy?" Emily questions.

"Whoever the fuck she is" I snap. "Do you like her?" I ask crossing my arms over my chest. A barrier to protect myself from what could leave her lips, one single 'yes' could totally destroy me.

Emily finished her drink and wiped her mouth, "I'm going to have a shower" she announces completely dodging the question.

"Em" I call out as she turns her back on me.

Emily turns around and says nothing, her lip twitches slightly whilst her eyes slowly close and re open.

I take a breath and lick my lips, "What are we doing?" I ask softly. "I don't wanna live like this any more" I admit feeling a ton of weight lift from my shoulders. Talking to Emily about how I feel was never my strong point, we needed to talk.

"Yeah well, I never thought we would get like this, I mean, I never thought you would fuck someone else" Emily replies coldly. Her voice cuts through me like a sharp knife, it was tiring not making any progress.

I nod and look away, I force my mind to think of something other then my one night stand with Sophia. I sucked in a breath and held the tears threatening to spill from my eyes, I felt her watching me, waiting for me to say something.

"Can we.. maybe we can have dinner tonight?" I suggest clenching my fists together in hopes she agrees. "You don't have to, if you have other plans that is" I add quickly not wanting to push her into anything.

"Fine. But I have to go out this afternoon, dad's gonna fix the wheel on my scooter" Emily explains leaning against the door frame. Her eyes flicker towards me, I hated the distance we had created between us. Both in the same room yet so fucking far away, my arms ached to just hold her against me.

I smile slightly at her and watch her walk back up the stairs. I rummage in my pocket and pull out my phone, I had to prove to Emily I was trying, she needed to see a change. I scrolled down the contacts and hesitated a little as I stopped at her name, I laughed to myself thinking how a year ago I could barely look at her without wanting to punch her.

"Katie its me, are you free? I kinda need your help"

* * *

Once Emily had gone with very few words expect goodbye, I paced around the room waiting for the other twin. A romantic dinner with small conversation was exactly what we needed, some alone time to try and re-connect. I wondered how on earth I gave everything away all because I felt trapped and suffocated, when the only thing I want is to drown in Emily's unconditional love and affection. Stupid really, you do something really fucked up to realize what you want and need.

"Oi are you gonna fucking let me in?" Katie called from outside the front door.

I quickly snapped out of my head and walked to open the door, I snickered hearing 'Stupid lezza', muttered under her breath, some things never change. Katie looked rather sophisticated these days, compared to her wannabe wag look last year.

"Come in" I smiled stepping aside.

Katie walked through and dumped her handbag on the floor, "I cancelled my hair appointment to help you, I hope you fucking appreciate it" she moaned.

I walked through to the kitchen hearing her annoying heals tap against the floor as she followed. "Look me and Em, its been really fucked up, I just want to do something nice for her" I explain hoping she would atleast pretend to be nice to me for a change.

Katie sighed, she looked kind of sad. "What are you making?" she asked opening my fridge.

"Well I thought maybe I would order takeaway, you could help me make the place look nice. You know, with candles..and stuff" I shrugged trying to think where I put the menu's.

Katie frowned, "Your gonna fucking order food? That's hardly romantic Naomi, why don't you just buy her a bag of chips and a can of fucking coke" she mocked with a disgusted look on her face.

I began to think having Katie help me was a bad idea, everything I said she disagreed and vice-versa. I watched her root around in the fridge pulling out various ingredients, I had no idea Katie Fitch could turn a microwave on let alone actually make something edible.

"We can definitely make something out of this" Katie said rolling her sleeves up. "Do you even know how to work your oven?" she asks turning to me.

I look at her with a blank expression, cooking was never a strong point. Emily was always much more domesticated then me.

"Fucksake" Katie rolled her eyes and began fiddling with the oven knobs. "I don't know what Emily sees in you, your useless!".

"Yeah, im pretty fucking useless" I agree. "I'm gonna get some candles from the shop and stuff, wont be long" I squeeze past her and grab some money from the side.

* * *

Come five in the afternoon, the kitchen looked completely different. The only lights were the candles flicking slightly from the light draft. The table was beautifully set with pink rose petals scattered in the center, and the food was keeping warm in the oven. Katie had managed to make some chicken dish that apparently Emily loved, along with home-made chips.

"Looks good yeah?" Katie asked, she looked pleased with herself.

I grinned, "Yeah, do you think she'll like it?" I look at her with a nervous fearful expression. All our hard work could easily be knocked down by Emily, I wanted her to like it.

"Yeah. She loves you you know" Katie says. "I mean, your a complete twat and you broke her heart but, she still loves you" she assured wiping her hands on a tea towel.

I nod and distract myself with a rose petal that had fallen on the floor. "She's pretty angry at me, like all the time. I dunno what to do, I feel like I've fucking lost her" I explain wanting somebody to get me. Somebody to just listen.

Katie stood in silence for a moment, her eyes wondered around the kitchen before focusing back on me. "She's still here isn't she? She picked you over us, her family" she stated. "Every time mum said something, she always stood up for you, she never let her speak badly of you" she tells me.

"We had all these plans,and now..it feels like its all gone. All fucked up" I reply staring out the window. I let a tear fall from my eyes, I don't care if Katie thinks im pathetic, I don't care what anybody thinks any more.

"I can't have kids" Katie blurts out.

I knit my eyebrows together and watch the twins face fall with sadness and disappointment. "I didn't know" I mutter softly. "I'm sorry" I nibble my lip not knowing the right or best thing to say. I hate not knowing whether to comfort somebody or leave them alone, she looked so alone in her head.

Katie shrugs, "I had things planned too you know, now I have to, I dunno re-think it all" she said with a hand gesture. "You and Emily are meant to be together, the way she looks at you..its real" she smiled grabbing her beige jacket from the back of the chair. "If I found someone that loved me half as much as Ems loves you, then I would be fucking happy".

I can't help but let a smile creep on my face, her words were nothing more then true. I knew Emily loved me, she had always loved me. "I know you love me really Katiekins" I laugh feeling the tense atmosphere from before fade away.

"Whatever, just don't fuck her around, I will fucking kill you if you do it again" Katie threatens. "Oh and don't forget to take that out the oven" she reminds me walking towards the front door.

"Thanks Katie" I smile unlocking the door and stepping aside.

Katie turns and smiles, a real genuine smile that meant something. Maybe we could become friends, maybe she could tell Emily how much effort I had put into making tonight special. Maybe Emily will want me again. I felt a boost of confidence as I closed the door and entered the kitchen again. The food smelt beyond gorgeous and the bottle of wine I had brought was chilling in the fridge.

All I had to do was wait for Emily.

**Thanks for all the comments, please keep them coming!**


	9. Slowly Making It Through The Wreckage

**Firstly I have had some really lovely comments so a huge thanks to everyone that's reading and reviewing this. I really hope you like this chapter because I enjoyed writing it and its taken me ages to get it right. I know its been pretty angsty so this chapter is a little lighter but still dark, I want this to feel realistic. It can't be rainbows and smiles straight away lol. Please review if you can and enjoy!**

We sat in silence as we ate. Emily had turned up just in time, which had put me in a better mood, Katie even sent me a text wishing me good luck. I felt nervous, it felt like a first date when all the awkwardness gets in the way of what you really want to talk about. Me and Emily jumped in feet first, we had never really been on dates, we just kind of got together. If the situation was different then it would have been nice, romantic even. Emily kept her eyes on her food, she had barely said a sentence since she walked through the door and sat down.

"So your dad, he fix your bike then?" I asked reaching for the bottle of wine and topping us both up. I felt like I needed several bottles to get me through this, it seemed Emily wasn't about to make all this easy. Then again, why the fuck should she?

"Yeah, all fixed" Emily spoke glancing up at me. "How did you manage to get Katie to help you?" she suddenly asked pushing the food around with her fork.

My mouth felt dry as I swallowed the wine, I took another sip. "Well..i..Katie she was.."

"Don't worry" Emily cut me off. We held eye contact for a few seconds before she looked away and distracted herself, she tucked a few loose strands of hair behind her ear. "Atleast your trying, I suppose" she muttered and once again began eating.

I smiled slightly, pleased that she could see I was trying to get us on the right track. "How about I put some music on or something?" I suggest getting up and walking over to the radio. The silence was getting to me, I could no longer bare the tension building.

"Naomi" Emily said just before I switched it on. I turned around and looked at her, she looked so perfectly beautiful. "This..it just" she shook her head. "It doesn't feel right" she admitted.

My heart felt like it had been squeezed and my lungs had stopped working, because I knew a shitty dinner was never going to really make things okay. I slowly walked over to my seat and sat down, I filled my glass with more wine. "I'm trying Em, I'm really fucking trying. I don't know what you want me to do" I push the plate away, the food was making me feel sick.

"I saw Effy and Freddie today when I was coming back, they looked so happy" Emily's eyes began watering. "I couldn't help but feel fucking jealous, the way they were holding each other and laughing, just being happy" her voice cracked with emotion making my heart hurt. "Look at us, fucking look at what we've become" she let the tears roll down her face, she looked broken. "I was so in love with you and you just..you just threw it all away like it meant fuck all" she pressed her lips together holding in a sob.

"Was?" I asked as my lip trembled with fear hearing her use past tense.

"You broke my heart" Emily sniffed trying her hardest not to break down, she wiped her tears away with her sleeve. "All this" she looked around at the food and the candles. "It can't fucking get rid of how I feel Naomi, I can't sleep at night without seeing you and her together" she admitted.

I listened as she spoke, every word was like a punch in the face, making me realize just how stupid I really was. I could have spoken to Emily about how I felt, she was the one I was suppose to run to when there was a problem. I hated myself for making such a fucked up choice, I had broken three hearts.

"I did a fucked up thing Emily I know, fuck I wish I could just rewind and do it all differently" I tilt my head to the side and stared at her, taking in every single feature of her face. "I never wanted to hurt you".

"You stood there, and you lied to my face" Emily reminded me, I could see her mind flashing back to that day. "You told me you didn't fuck her, you lied. How can I believe a fucking word that comes out of your mouth?" she asked leaning back in the chair. The table created a horrible distance between us, her eyes flickered with a mixture of anger and heartbreak.

"I know" I squeaked, my throat felt so tight as I held back the tears. "But your here, your still here".

"Yeah" Emily nodded. "It's well fucked up" she said coldly reaching for her glass.

"Being in love with you, being loved by you, its the most fucking frightening feeling in the world for me" my voice wobbled but I took a deep breath, Emily needed to hear the truth, the reasons why I cheated. "All my life I've been so lonely you know? My mum, she was never really there, I always felt like I had nobody" I felt the hot tears caress my face. "Everyone I got close to I pushed away because I didn't wanna get hurt, people fuck you up when they get inside" I explained letting out a small sob.

Emily's eyes swam with tears as she listened, she slowly reached out placing her small hand over mine. I quickly grabbed a hold of her hand and linked our fingers together, I cherished the touch I had not felt in months.

"You showed me so much love, I didn't know what to do with it, or how to feel. Even though I knew it was wrong, I slept with Sophia to escape for a while, to try and switch my emotions off" I stare deep into her eyes, her hand squeezes mine a little, she nods for me to continue. "When it was over I felt nothing, just ashamed of myself. I used her and I knew if and when you found out it would fuck us up. Emily I made a mistake, a fucked up mistake" I sobbed completely exposing myself to her.

I get up and kneel down in front of her, my hands find hers and we hold onto each other for dear life. I watch as her eyes soften, her heart trying to melt the cold icy barrier she had created to protect herself.

"I realized I can't make it through the day without seeing you. I can't sleep at night without you lying next to me, you mean everything to me" I confessed looking up at her, not breaking eye contact. "I'm so sick, so sick and tired of this Em, I don't wanna be the reason we break up" I felt her hands slowly break from mine, she looked down for a second and then took a deep breath.

"I don't know how to forget" Emily whispered shaking her head. "What if I never can?" she asked looking at me like I knew the answer when I really I don't.

I got up off my knees and pressed a gentle tender kiss to her forehead, the feeling of her skin against my lips reminded me of everything I had been missing out on. "I'll wait" I whispered back and got to my feet. "I'm never going anywhere" I promised and watched her nod.

* * *

The evening quickly came to an end, I had tidied up and put everything away. The kitchen looked cleaner then before, I knew my mum would be appalled if I left it looking like shit whilst she was gone. Cook had text me several times inviting me and Emily to a piss up, after ignoring him for the third time I gave in and said we couldn't make it.

I walked upstairs to our bedroom and opened the door. Emily ruffled her wet hair with a towel and turned to face me, the redness around her eyes had faded a little. She looked better. "Katie text me, something about a party" she shrugged her shoulders.

"Yeah yeah, Cook text me aswell" I replied tossing my phone on the bedside table. I can't help but let my imagination wander as she walks across the bedroom in just a towel. "I said no, im not really in the mood" I explained trying to focus my mind on something other then wanting to make love to Emily on the bed. "Unless you wanna go? We can go if you wanna go?" I added quickly.

Emily shook her head, "Nah, too tired" she looked around the room. "I've got nothing to wear for bed" she looked at me and grabbed my t-shirt hanging from my chair.

I watched her turn away from me and drop the towel on the floor, her smooth skin looked beautiful in the moonlight, every part of her looked wonderfully enticing. Emily pulled the baggy top on over her head, I couldn't but smile at the sight of her wearing my clothes.

I cleared my throat, "Well im gonna, go" I slowly turned my back on her.

"Don't" Emily called out, she sounded vulnerable and needy. "You don't have to go" she shrugged standing by the side of our bed. I watched her pull back the duvet and get in, she half smiled and patted the empty space next to her.

I suddenly felt my legs tense with nerves, I nodded and got in beside her feeling all sorts of emotions. Love, lust, excitement, all bundled together causing my heart to pound increasingly fast in my chest. We laid there, both looking up at the ceiling not knowing what to say. My hand slowly made its way to Emily's, she hesitated to begin with at the contact then relaxed.

"No more lies?" Emily questioned finally breaking the silence.

I shook my head feeling the tears again, "No" I whispered squeezing her hand.

Emily looked over at me, she propped herself up and leaned her head against her hand. "Naoms" she said quietly. "Look at me" she demanded staring down at me.

I slowly let my eyes meet hers, I choked a sob as my vision became blurred. The burning feeling in my chest tightened. "I'm so sorry" I stammered feeling her hand brush against my cheek as she moved the hair from my face.

Her lips touched mine, hardly any pressure as they lingered ontop. "I know" she nodded making her way back to her side of the bed. "Night" Emily said turning her back on me.

"Night Em" I replied back, holding in the sobs wanting to escape. Even though we had broken through a massive barrier together, I wanted to cry and punish myself for ever hurting the beautiful girl lying next to me. Emily wanted to eventually forgive me, she wanted us to move on from this and be together again.

I needed her. But I could never forgive myself. I had tainted our love with dirty water. It was no longer pure. I had to mend my heart aswell as hers.

**Please review, thanks!**


	10. Let The Flames Begin

**Once again big thanks to everyone that's been enjoying and reviewing my fic. It means loads to me and makes my day when I see nice comments. Took me ages to write this and after deleting it all and starting again I still think this is abit..meh lol But as always enjoy review if you can. Thanks! :)**

After last nights attempt to try and prove to Emily that I was trying, I did not expect to sleep in the same bed next to her, or for her to ask me to stay. It was strange, it had been weeks since our lips had touched, and from last nights kiss I could still feel it when my eyes were shut. Emily slept soundly. I spent a few hours just watching her breathe, although she looked troubled as she slept she still looked beautiful. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and tell her she meant the entire universe to me, and that I would do absolutely anything for her. But I knew I couldn't.

I rolled over and rubbed my eyes, I smiled seeing red hair sprawled across the pillow. Small snoring sounds came from Emily, I felt my heart pang with love and want as I stared at her. I reached out and carefully moved the loose strands of hair away from her eyes, I ran my fingertip across her cheek, she smiled as my hand reached her lips.

"Hi" I whispered propping myself up, my head leaning into my hand.

Emily opened her eyes, a look of worry and panic flashed across her face. "Hi" she replied back, her voice husky and sleepy.

I watched her suddenly become self conscious, like I had never seen her in bed before. It kinda hurt to know that Emily no longer felt comfortable around me, she brought the duvet up to her chest and glanced over at me. "I forgot you were there" she mumbled pressing her lips together.

"I didn't forget you were there, I forgot how much you wriggle in your sleep" I smiled trying to lighten the mood.

Emily's face was expressionless. I paused for a few moments before getting out of bed and throwing on a pair of pyjama bottoms.

"Naomi" Emily called out sitting up in bed.

I turned around to face her, I sucked in a deep breath and exhaled loudly. My eyes gazed around the room, I had no idea what she was going to say any more. We felt like strangers living in the same house, shuffling around eachother.

"Last night.." Emily began.

"I'm gonna make some breakfast. For us" I said quickly cutting her off. My heart couldn't deal with more rejection or pain, I didn't want Emily to tell me last night was a shitty mistake and I should have slept on the couch.

I turned the door handle and walked out the bedroom. As I walked down the stairs I thought of my mum, she was probably having a great time meeting Keiran's family. I wished I was more like her sometimes, always seizing the moment and not giving a fuck about getting hurt. I filled the kettle with water and lit a cigarette. It seemed me and Emily were taking one step forward and ten steps back. Fucksake.

* * *

Once breakfast was out the way, and the kitchen had been tidied I sat myself down to do some coursework. Emily sat on the couch watching tv whilst I tapped away, I found myself gazing at her dreamily then quickly looking away when she caught me. Conversation over breakfast was shit, Emily barely spoke making me wonder if last night actually meant anything to her at all. Did she believe my words? Did she really know I was sorry? I turned my attention back to my work, I couldn't concentrate, all the letters looked jumbled and I simply didn't give a fuck.

"Em" I fiddled with my notes and picked up a pen to distract myself.

"Yeah" Emily answered turning the volume down.

I looked over at the tv and smiled at the shit she was watching, some melodramatic soap about affairs and murders. Many times Emily had persuaded me to sit with her and watch them, I would always end up just staring at her or trying to distract her with kisses.

"Last night, you know what I said? I mean, you did kiss me kind of" I stammered feeling like a tit as I tripped over my words.

"What about it?" Emily shrugged stabbing me in the heart with her not giving a shit attitude.

I gritted my teeth together in complete anger and hurt, "Don't you think we should talk about it?" I squeak feeling the lump in my throat building.

Emily opened her mouth to speak as the doorbell rang, I stayed stuck to my seat wanting her to talk to me. We stared into each others eyes for a second before she got up to answer the door. "Fucksake" I muttered under my breath and resume my coursework.

I listened as words were exchanged, only I didn't recognise the other voice. The door slammed shut and Emily walked back into the living room, a tall dark haired girl followed after her. I raised an eyebrow and slouched down in the chair. "Going to introduce me then?" I grinned sarcastically.

"This is Mandy" Emily announced clasping her hands together.

"You must be Naomi yeah?" Mandy piped up.

I took a good look at Emily's new friend. I took an instant dislike to her due to the fact I hated Emily spending time with other people. Other girls. "Yep, that's me" I grunted moving my eyes back to the laptop.

Emily walked over to the couch and sat back down, she smiled at Mandy and gestured for her to sit. I clenched my jaw with frustration wondering why the fuck Emily decided it would be cool to let her hang out in my fucking house.

I listened as they discussed a night out on the piss, smiling and laughing with each other like i wasn't in the fucking room. I reached over and grabbed my packet of cigarettes, I pulled out a ready rolled spliff and lit up. "Any particular reason why you're here?" I asked dragging the ashtray towards me.

"I invited her yesterday" Emily quickly added.

"Right" I raised an eyebrow and took a long drag. The effects quickly rushed to my head making me feel more relaxed.

"I can go?" Mandy looked over to me then back at Emily. If I had it my way then she wouldn't have made it past my fucking front garden.

"No. Its fine isn't it Naoms?" Emily doesn't ask me, she demands that its okay and all I can do is nod and fucking agree with her.

The doorbell once again rang, I sighed and got up. "May aswell be a fucking public house" I mumbled loud enough so Emily could hear me. I opened the door finding Cook standing on the step with a fag in his mouth.

"Naomikins!" Cook grinned widely flinging his arms to the sides.

I moved aside to let him through, he walked straight into the living room. "What we got here then eh? You lot having a threesome and didn't invite me?" he joked checking Mandy out.

"Fuck off" Emily snarled.

"Chill out man" Cook laughed and turned to me. "Can I have a word?" he asked nodding towards the kitchen.

* * *

"Why are you here?" I asked shutting the door behind us.

"I need a favour, I need somewhere to stay for a few days you know? Keep my head low and shit, already tried JJ's and Freds, and you do fucking owe me one blondie" Cook wiped the side of his nose with his dirty polo shirt. "It will be fun?" he suggested. "Might even fancy that willy waggle knowing im in the room next door" he laughed taking a drag of his cigarette.

I bit the inside of my cheek, the walls were thin and I could hear Emily laugh whilst Mandy droned on about some shit. "Suppose I do owe you one" I shrugged handing him the spliff. "No walking about naked and no bringing anyone back. If you agree, then you can stay" I smiled unable to resist his annoyingly cheeky face.

Cook nodded enthusiastically and placed a kiss on my cheek, "Knew you'd come through for me Naomikins" he handed me back the weed and sat down. "Ain't that the same girl JJ blabbed about?" he asked pulling out a small bottle of vodka from his back pocket.

"Yeah, Mandy her name is" I replied taking the bottle he offered. I gulped a large mouthful ignoring the burning feeling as it trickled down my throat, the warmth quickly reached my insides.

"How about it blondie? Me and you, our own little party?" Cook reached into his front pocket pulling out a packet of powder and pills. "Fuck Emilio and E.T man, lets fucking get trashed" he cackled with laughter once I agreed and lined up the white powder.

* * *

Somehow Cook had managed to invite aload of people. People that I never met before began turning up at my house with crates of beer and bottles of vodka. I was way to fucked to care, although looking at Emily and judging by her pissed off expression I knew she cared. The music blasted through the house, the lyrics to the song were distorted and crackled by the overpowering bass.

My head spun but I felt good, the alcohol and the mix of drugs had taken away the guilt I felt for hurting Emily. I felt nothing. "Come on!" I shouted taking a spliff and looking around for a lighter.

"Here" Freddie appeared by my side holding a lighter in front of my face.

"Thanks. You know, I don't know any of these people" I slurred leaning against him for support. Even though I barely really spoke to Freddie, I always admired how quickly he forgave Effy for fucking him and cook around.

Freddie laughed and took a swig from his beer, "Me neither, I don't think Cook knows them to be honest. You seen Eff?" he asked.

I shook my head, "No" I answered bluntly handing him the spliff. I peered into the living room trying to look for Emily, it seemed she was no where to be found amongst the mass of people.

"Well I'm gonna look about for her" Freddie handed me back the drugs and pushed past aload of sweaty drunken lads chugging beer.

I lent against the kitchen worktops and closed my eyes, the urge to spew my guts up from the amount I had consumed was definitely tempting. The kitchen was misty and hazy from all the smoke, even with the windows open it seemed to make no difference.

Emily's phone angrily vibrated near me, I rolled my eyes and unplugged it from the charger. I walked into the hall way trying to spot her, "Em, Emily!" I shouted as loud as I possible could whilst trying not to fall on my arse.

With one last look I stumbled back into the kitchen and opened her new message, I squinted and brought the phone closer to my face.

_I really need to see you. So much I have to say still. Meet me by the park tomorrow after college. Matt_

**Please review if possible! Thanks guys :)**


	11. Back For Good

**Here's the next part guys, hope you enjoy!**

I felt like my heart was sagging down into an empty pit of darkness. I wondered if I would ever be able to pick myself up and carry on trying to mend our relationship. An uncomfortable weight layed heavy on my chest as I layed in bed, although I was kind of used to it, I wished it would just fuck off and let me breath again. My mind swirled with all kinds of emotions, all of them consuming Emily of course. The alcohol and drugs had worn off making me feel less sick and light headed, I glanced at the clock and wondered when Emily was going to decide to come up.

Cook ushered everybody out the house when the next door neighbours knocked and complained about the noise. The house was a fucking tip, rubbish and empty beer bottles lay scattered everywhere, I simply didn't give a shit. The only thing I cared about was winning Emily back, and I was doing a pretty shit job to be honest. I closed my eyes and listened to the rustling coming from downstairs, I knew she was attempting to clean up to avoid seeing me.

I felt guilty. I had deleted the text message from Matt and decided not to say anything to Emily at all. I had no idea why the fuck he was contacting her, I didn't know if they had been secretly talking or meeting up even. The last thing I want is for Emily to be spending time Sophia's brother, a constant reminder of what happened and how it fucked everything up. I pictured his expressionless face remembering the last time I saw him, on the balcony. He looked at me for a split second and turned his head, he looked angry, disgusted.

The bedroom door opened and Emily walked through, she said nothing as she grabbed a t-shirt and stripped for bed. The silence between us seemed unbearable at times, there was so much I needed to tell her, so many things I wanted to ask. I thought about Mandy and how fucking jealous I was seeing them together. I wanted to shake Emily and demand that she never sees her again, that she's only allowed to love me, no-one else. Of course I couldn't, I had no right to say anything any more.

I opened my eyes feeling a draft as she lifted up the duvet to get in. Emily quickly turned her back on me and let out a small sigh. Her hair looked beautiful as the moonlight shone through the window, I reached out running my fingertips through her red locks.

"Don't" Emily's shoulders tense and I quickly pulled my hand away like I had been burnt. She slowly turned over onto her back and looked up at the ceiling, "Why'd you do it?" she asked looking over at me.

I felt my heart race with panic, my eyes widened with fear of Emily finding out about the text message I disposed. "Do what?" I replied softly, staring at her from the corner of my eye.

"Take drugs tonight, after everything that happened!" Emily answered bluntly shaking her head. I can tell she's pissed off because her lips tighten together and her face twists slightly. "Your so fucking stupid" she muttered.

"I don't know, your right, I am stupid" I agreed hating myself even more for making another shitty choice. I didn't even know why I took them, I needed something to make me escape from all the pain, all the fucking guilt.

"Atleast we agree on something" Emily said sharply, her eyes hadn't bothered to look at me. I had no idea how she felt about me, whether our relationship was over or if it was going to ever get better.

I let out a slight sob and quickly drew in a deep breath. I blinked away the tears and buried all the hurt I felt, I brought a hand up to my face wiping away the moisture.

"Don't play the victim Naomi, your not the one who's fucking heart got ripped in two" Emily coldly spat. I shuddered as her voice cut through me, I was stuck in my own personal hell, alone with my demons whilst Emily did nothing but watch me suffer.

"I know" I whispered letting each tear roll down my face to my ears, dripping silently upon my pillow. "I don't know what you want from me Em, I feel shitty. Really fucking shitty aswell" I confessed feeling nothing but numb with heartache.

Emily glanced over, I could see the concern in her eyes as they softened. "Why can't you fix us Naoms?" she asked, her voice wobbled with uncertainty. "Why am I begging you to fix something that I thought actually meant something to you?" she frowned creasing her brow.

"It does mean something to me, it means everything, your not letting me fix it" I answered sitting up slightly and switching the bedside lamp on.

"Getting off your tits and making a twat out of yourself proves that does it?" Emily snapped cutting her eyes at me. "Fuck, we can't go on like this, it's fucked up" I nodded in agreement wiping my damp face with my hand.

"Forgive me?" I asked quietly, I wasn't even sure if she heard.

Emily stared at me, I watched her eyes burn into mine whilst trying to figure out the right thing to do. "I wouldn't know what to do if this happened again" she whispered shaking her head, the tears building in her eyes.

"It would never happen again Emily" I butted in quickly wishing she would believe how truly sorry I was. "I don't want you to go, I know I pushed you away before and I completely fucked up these past few weeks, but I never stopped loving you, ever." I let out a small sob and watched her hand cover mine. "I just want you back" I squeaked biting my lip to stop the tears.

Emily's tears rolled down her face, her bottom lip quivered and she squeezed my hand tight. I watched her nod a little, she kept a firm grip on my hand and snuggled back down under the duvet. She pulled at my hand for me to move closer, to hold her.

I pressed my body against the back of her wrapping my arm around her stomach, I placed a small kiss on the back of her neck, "I love you, so much" I whispered against her skin whilst she cried. I listened to her and did my best to soothe her until she fell asleep, I kissed her cheek and let a small smile escape my lips.

I cuddled into her just listening to her breath. If me and Emily were going to try and make a go of things then everything from the past had to erased. Sophia and all things included, I had to protect her and make things right. I knew I had to meet Matt, there was no way I was going to let him fuck with Emily's head and let him drag everything up again. No way.

* * *

Morning broke quicker then I had expected. After falling into bed pretty late and pouring my heart out to Emily, I had only had a few hours of sleep. The sunlight poked through my bedroom window even though it was shit weather outside, the clouds looked heavy and grey.

I felt Emily's thumb brush against my knuckles, I smiled and opened my eyes finding her beside me looking down. "Hi" she whispered propped up on her arm.

"Hi" I sleepily replied back along with a long yawn. I couldn't take my eyes off how stunning she looked, her eyes sparkled just like the old Emily I had fallen in love with, a small smile danced on her lips making me want to kiss her and never let her go.

"We better get up, college." Emily announced squeezing my hand before releasing it. She threw the duvet off herself and swung her legs off the bed to the floor.

"Em" I called out and grabbed her arm softly. I watched her turn around, she swept the hair away from her eyes and stared at me. "I love you" I said wanting to convince her it was true.

Emily nodded, "I know, I love you too" she replied not realizing how my heart soared with a mixture of relief and a complete rush of unconditional love. The words I had wanted to hear for so long had finally been said, she had somehow melted away all the pain just by three simple words.

I let a smile creep onto my face as I sat up in bed, I slowly leaned my face towards her, not knowing if kissing her was pushing it. My forehead touched hers and I felt her breath hitch when she closed her eyes, our lips brushed against each other's causing the hairs on my arms to stand. Emily's hand quickly found my cheek drawing me closer to her, our lips crashed together craving what we had been missing out on for the last month and abit. Her tongue slowly grazed mine deepening the passionate kiss between us.

Emily slowly pulled away with one last peck, she smiled into my lips and opened her eyes. "Better get ready for college" she said in her raspy husky voice making my knees buckle and an aching throb down below.

"Yeah" I grinned watching her jump off the bed and head towards the shower. I knew Emily would want to wait to be fully intimate again, I wouldn't care if she never wanted to have sex ever again. I just wanted her.

* * *

"It was well bonkers last night, me and Eff left the party then we were chased by these weirdo chavs that only wanted to get into Effy's box because they all think she's like, well fit don't they?" Pandora turned to Effy only to get a shrug. "Anyway's we had to run across the field like a right pair of stupids, it was super cool weren't it?" she turned to Effy once again.

"Yes Panda, it was fun" Effy replied forcing a smile.

"Anyway I think its mega whizzer that you and Emily are back together" Pandora flashed a toothy grin in my direction as we all walked outside.

I held Emily's hand firmly in mine, "Yeah its great" I turned to her and smiled.

Emily leaned on her tip-toes giving me a small kiss, everyone rolled their eyes and Katie made retching noises at our public display of affection. I wanted everyone to know that Emily and I were back together, that nothing was ever going to spoil it and I was never going to fuck it up again.

Emily locked our fingers together, our arms swung happily as we walked side by side towards Keith's pub. College had flown by so quickly, before I knew it I had been to all my lessons and already started my coursework in free period. Cook had suggested we all go out and get pissed now everyone and everything was back to normal. I watched him glance occasionally at Freddie and Effy, the anger burned in his eyes but he brushed it off.

As the others piled into the pub I pulled Emily back and wrapped my arms around her waist. "I've gotta go home, im expecting a phone call from my mum" I told her as she cupped my neck.

"Can't you talk to her later?" Emily asked frowning. "I thought we were all gonna hang out you know? Like old times?".

"I'll be back in a while, gotta make sure Keiran's family haven't bored her shitless" I laugh pecking her lips lightly. "Go on have fun, I'll be back before you know it yeah?" I grin running my fingertips up her back.

"Okay" Emily agrees pressing her lips against mine before entering the pub.

I let out a shaky breath and run a hand through my hair. I wasn't lying, I was protecting Emily, protecting our relationship. I had to speak to Matt, all this Sophia shit had to end.

**Please please leave me a review, thank you so much for all the comments and everyone reading :)**


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